New year's eve

It's 957 on New Year's Eve.  I have not been here in several days.  Which is bad.  I meant to get on here every day and write whatever is on my mind regarding Jae.  Jae is off to church and I am home sick.  She is in Austin TX (or Round Rock, rather) and I am in Miami.  Within three weeks, she will be back in California, and she seems to be very excited about that.  While she was down here, I do not believe she knew many people, and from what I can tell, I was the main source of her entertainment.  She has stayed in contact with many of her California friends, mind you, she was just there in September and so there is no reason why she should not know or speak to a lot of people.  She seems very excited because I believe she has many ties there, again, she just left and is going back to return.  I initially thought, and confirmed, she was going back there to deal with her ex boyfriend.  She seems to be stuck on him.  I believe her when she tells me she is waiting for God to tell her with whom she will be next, but I believe God has already spoken to her and perhaps she has missed it.  I could be wrong because I am new to this whole environment.  But today she told me she is moving on from him.  I believe she means to but I do not think she will.  She is still hopeful she and he will get back together.  From the person who loves her deeply, I hope she finds happiness with him.  From the person who is in love with her, I hope not.

Tonight is New Year's Eve.  I hate knowing she is not here and we cannot spend this night togehter.  What will God and life bring for both of us?  Will we be happy?  Will we be happy together?  Does she want me?  Does she want to be with me?  Inquiring minds wanna know.

My second game without you

Today, I went to the Dolphins game today, my second game without her.  She came with me on December 5th, which was a very sad day for me.  She would be leaving two Sundays from then and we talked about it.  I became emotional and she asked me not to.  She also asked me not to fall apart on the Saturday we would last see each other.  I was glad today was the last home game we had because I would not have to deal going to the game without her.  I looked at GATE 6, that is where she would be dropped off and would walk towards where I would be.  I looked at GATE 6 and would see her walking through the entrance towards me.  The game was boring and we lost, but I think it would have been more bearable had she been there.  Today reminded me again how lonely I am without her and wonder if she too feels the same way.  She tells me she misses me and she loves me and she also told me she gets all caught up with everything around her while she is home.  I want to believe her but wonder if is really true.  If she truly loves me, she would make it a point to reach out to me.  Maybe she just cares for me but is not in love with me.  I miss her and love her and want to see her.  My heart longs for her.  I act like she was my girlfriend, and even though we went out alot, we were nothing more than maintain a platonic relationship.  does she love me?  Does she need me?  Does she miss me?  I hope so.

Not so Merry Christmas

Today is Christmas day and I am lonely. I have not heard from her, but I anticipated this. I miss her so much, it hurts. I went to run an errand with my mother earlier today and she said something which made me cry. I had shared with my father yesterday my feelings towards her. He was very touched that I did because I normally do not share much with my parents. Particularly with anything personal. My mother told me my father spoke to her about this and she said she was sorry to hear my current situation. She only wishes I find someone who makes me happy. She met her briefly about a month ago (the Tuesday before Thanksgiving). I had not planned on her meeting my mother that day, but it worked out that way. She had met my father the Thursday previous. The meetings were brief, but both of them are good judges of character. What my mother told me today really touched me. When she mentioned her, my eyes immediately teared. She said she had no idea how I felt about the short lady she had met. She wished she had had more time to be with her and get to know her. She then asked if she was coming back. That's when tears flowed down my cheeks. I told her no. She then said that if she ever returned, that I needed to let her know that she had their full support in whatever she needed. I cried profusely when she said that. My mother told me she loved me and hugged me. My mother does not hug me often. Including this time, I can count on my hand the number of times she has hugged me. This was a very special moment. I thought about her the rest of the afternoon. I prayed soon after. Then she sent me a picture of herself. She looked stunning. I miss her. Not sure if I will hear from her tonight.