I was up thinking this morning and I know Jae has not done really anything...but the continued nagging which happens to me keeps hurting her. I keep complaining to her how I feel, it feels like I am nagging, but I have to be honest with myself: I am hurting and I am not getting any closure. I love her and want to feel she loves me. She tells me she loves me but I do not feel she does.
I was in church about a month ago and the pastor said that it is easy to say one believes in God and one is dedicated to God, but one thing is to say it but the other is to provde it, to demonstrate it. I do not feel that from Jae. I know she has her limitations, and, according to her, her reasons for holding back some, and truth be told, she has made some significant progress, but i always feel i am left hanging. The sad thing is, my dear Jae does see that and most likely will not agree to it.
More often than not, she does not contact me until I contact her. I wake up in the morning and always send her a little blessing for her (well, not always, but up until this week I have, but it usually goes unaddressed, sometimes she responds, but usually she does not. I mean, Friday she contacted me only because I had left her a voicemail to reach out to me. She then went window shopping and shared with me a picture of an outfite she tried (was she hinting she wanted me to purchase it for her? She looked so darn good in it that i was very willing). Friday night, did not hear from her. Mind you, I left Johnie's house and texted her that I had an amazing night and Johnie's and told her when I was leaving and did not hear from her at all. I woke up and again nothing. She usually would text something. I finally sent her a text in the afternoon and she responded but made no mention of the fact I had not heard from her. In the past, she would apologize for not communicating with me. She said she had a migrane...
That night, I went out to meet Bill and Blanca and Gloria at some bar in Broward. I had not realized the street I was driving on was the same one we took when I drove her to the modeling agency. I got a little nostalgic. I remembered that day like it was yesterday. Truth be told, it was one of my favorite days with her, if not my favorite. There are so many memories, beautiful ones from that day. we spoke roughly like around six in the morning and then she told me she was going to sleep and I told her she did not have to hang up and she did not. I love it. I love the trust she gives me.
Saidly, I did not hear from her at all. I called her like around 230. We were having a nice conversation when she said she needed to call Albert's mom. She said ALbert's mom had called her several times and she had not gotten around to responding. So she chose that time to call her (i can understand from her perspective, she did not want to forget to call her). But she chose my time. And that is ok, had she called me back, which she did not. When I texted her some time later to find out if things were ok, she said thing with Albert's mom were so so. I asked if she could talk (this was all via text) and she said NOT NOW. nothing else. Trying to be respectful, I did not argue it. I then said, ok we'll talk later and she said ok. I wrapped up the communication with LOVE YOU BLESS YOU MISS YOU. She responded in kind. She had church that evening and I knew this so I decided not to bother her. I had agreed to be with Nancy that night.
I got home and texted her I was home. She texted me back. She then called me and we talked for a little bit She said she was falling asleep. I wanted to hold on to her longer, but know better to. I asked her not to hang up and she insisted on doing so (why?, when you did not the night before?). she dozed off and I heard her breathing then she woke up and told me she was hanging up. I was sad. I miss her so much. Not sure if she realizes that.
I woke up early and felt tht nagging feeling again. I was being very unfair to her because she cannot give more than she is ready for and I want more. what she gives me is not enough. Iwant her to give me more but I cannot ask her to give me what she is not ready to give. I cannot ask her to give me anything. It has to come from her.
I need to go. will write more later.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
If you are reading this
Just know that I love you. As I told you ealier, I have loved you with no regrets. I have given you my all, all of me, and whatever happens in the future, I know my conscience will be clear. You are only the second woman in my life with whom I have fallen in love.
I hope and pray that you and I are meant to be together, but I know I cannot ask for anything more. You have to come to terms with that on your own. You know how I feel. You have to resolve the Harold situation if ever you and I are to be togethere. That I know.
My fear is that you may not come my way. And I love you too much and it hurts too much to think that you may end up in someone else's life as that person's wife. The thought of that tears me. I want you to be the mother of my children. You said that may not happen. You said you are sad that may not happen. You say that with such conviction, like you know that is how it is going to be.
That hurts. I do not think my heart is sophisticated enough to continue to hold on.
That hurt too much. I need my time...for a bit
I hope and pray that you and I are meant to be together, but I know I cannot ask for anything more. You have to come to terms with that on your own. You know how I feel. You have to resolve the Harold situation if ever you and I are to be togethere. That I know.
My fear is that you may not come my way. And I love you too much and it hurts too much to think that you may end up in someone else's life as that person's wife. The thought of that tears me. I want you to be the mother of my children. You said that may not happen. You said you are sad that may not happen. You say that with such conviction, like you know that is how it is going to be.
That hurts. I do not think my heart is sophisticated enough to continue to hold on.
That hurt too much. I need my time...for a bit
Sunday, January 16, 2011
I wish she wasn't in Texas
I am having a hard time today. Think of her constantly. Want to see her, hold her hand, gaze into her eyes and tell her I love her.
I just texted her the following:
"There are those who pass like ships in the night, who meet for a moment, then sail out of sight with never a backward glance of regret; folks we know briefly then quickly forget. Then there are friends who sail together, through quiet waters and stormy weather, helping each other though joy and through strife. And they are the kind who give meaning to life."
I thought of her when I read that because I see her in that role. One of many.
She said she saw me in that way. That is what I was to her in her life. For now. I want to be more. I asked her if this was the only way she saw me. She said I am the bestest friend. That made me smile. I want to be more. I want to ask for more but I know better than to do so.
She is as beautiful as the sun is bright. I know I cannot ask for more. I have to wait. In the meantime, I wish she wasn't in Texas...or anywhere else. I wish there was something I could say or do to convince her to come back to me.
"Our Father, who art in Heaven..."
I just texted her the following:
"There are those who pass like ships in the night, who meet for a moment, then sail out of sight with never a backward glance of regret; folks we know briefly then quickly forget. Then there are friends who sail together, through quiet waters and stormy weather, helping each other though joy and through strife. And they are the kind who give meaning to life."
I thought of her when I read that because I see her in that role. One of many.
She said she saw me in that way. That is what I was to her in her life. For now. I want to be more. I asked her if this was the only way she saw me. She said I am the bestest friend. That made me smile. I want to be more. I want to ask for more but I know better than to do so.
She is as beautiful as the sun is bright. I know I cannot ask for more. I have to wait. In the meantime, I wish she wasn't in Texas...or anywhere else. I wish there was something I could say or do to convince her to come back to me.
"Our Father, who art in Heaven..."
Harold Basler keeps haunting me
She is hurt. He hurt her.
And she is trying to cope with that rejection. He basically tore her heart asunder. From what she tells me, it was from one day to the next that he broke up with her. Told her she was not the type of girl for her. Then, from what she tells me, revelled in the fact they were no longer together and changed his facebook status to SINGLE.
Come to think of it, to document how much she thinks of him, because of the fact he loves basketball so much, when I took her to the game on 12/15, i know for a fact she genuinely had a good time. But, I have a small suspicion she posted the pics and the comments to let him know where she was. To get a reaction (which she did) and got a response (which he did respond). I do not believe it was the response she was looking to receive, but he responded. He reacted.
She tells me that her friend Kiki keeps her updated on stuff he is doing and girls he is dating. She hates hearing about the girls he is dating, and he keeps telling her. She then tells me he sometimes says they will be back together.
I think he is torturing her by tell her all of this. However, she needs to find closure in this situation. My fear is that the closure she will get is the one I do not want, but I cannot stop that. I have no say nor am I anyone to get in the way.
She tells me she needs to see enough change in him in order for her to take him back, but she has not told me what kind of change she wants.
He is the reason why she and I have not moved forward. She cannot commit herself to me or anyone because she has hopes, regardless of how small, they may be getting back together. Until she determines beyond shadow of a doubt that they have no future together, which is my hope. I know i shouldn't say that, as much as I want her to be happy, I want to be happy with her.
I think of the things she tells me they did together. Some I know she and I will never do because I am not the athletic type. Other things I know we can do, and other things she has never done and I wish I could introduce her to the things I enjoy. I am going to the Golden Globe party tonight and when I told her she said she thought it was very cool.
I think about how it would be living with her. Sharing a home, sharing likes and dislikes and mixing our lives togehter and believes and perhaps have a child. I know the child comment is a little heavy. I want a child and I want a child with her. I told her this once and she said it was a tall order. I laughed being that I am short. I think about sitting at home watching TV together, listening to music together. Getting ready for work or for the day together, or getting ready for bed together (which would be fun, as I would make that so worth it for her).
I think about those things. I dream about it. I smile when I do.
I love this woman. I am being patient and faithful. I hope faithful enough.
And she is trying to cope with that rejection. He basically tore her heart asunder. From what she tells me, it was from one day to the next that he broke up with her. Told her she was not the type of girl for her. Then, from what she tells me, revelled in the fact they were no longer together and changed his facebook status to SINGLE.
Come to think of it, to document how much she thinks of him, because of the fact he loves basketball so much, when I took her to the game on 12/15, i know for a fact she genuinely had a good time. But, I have a small suspicion she posted the pics and the comments to let him know where she was. To get a reaction (which she did) and got a response (which he did respond). I do not believe it was the response she was looking to receive, but he responded. He reacted.
She tells me that her friend Kiki keeps her updated on stuff he is doing and girls he is dating. She hates hearing about the girls he is dating, and he keeps telling her. She then tells me he sometimes says they will be back together.
I think he is torturing her by tell her all of this. However, she needs to find closure in this situation. My fear is that the closure she will get is the one I do not want, but I cannot stop that. I have no say nor am I anyone to get in the way.
She tells me she needs to see enough change in him in order for her to take him back, but she has not told me what kind of change she wants.
He is the reason why she and I have not moved forward. She cannot commit herself to me or anyone because she has hopes, regardless of how small, they may be getting back together. Until she determines beyond shadow of a doubt that they have no future together, which is my hope. I know i shouldn't say that, as much as I want her to be happy, I want to be happy with her.
I think of the things she tells me they did together. Some I know she and I will never do because I am not the athletic type. Other things I know we can do, and other things she has never done and I wish I could introduce her to the things I enjoy. I am going to the Golden Globe party tonight and when I told her she said she thought it was very cool.
I think about how it would be living with her. Sharing a home, sharing likes and dislikes and mixing our lives togehter and believes and perhaps have a child. I know the child comment is a little heavy. I want a child and I want a child with her. I told her this once and she said it was a tall order. I laughed being that I am short. I think about sitting at home watching TV together, listening to music together. Getting ready for work or for the day together, or getting ready for bed together (which would be fun, as I would make that so worth it for her).
I think about those things. I dream about it. I smile when I do.
I love this woman. I am being patient and faithful. I hope faithful enough.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I hate it when this happens
I hate it when she doesn't call. I hate it for several reasons.
I hate it because this is what causes doubt in my mind. Why doesn't she make it a point to let me know what is going on in her life. We hung up Wednesday night around five. usually i do not hear from her until like around one. I send her a text message at eleven asking her to call me when she woke up. I had not heard from her, so like around 130 i called her only to find out she had not slept much. she said she went to sleep like around 1100 because she was not feeling well. Obviously, I was concerned about her but at the same time bothered because I did not know. we are supposed to be best friends but I feel more like an after thought than a friend at all. jae, my impression, may not necessarily get the whole communication issue at all. Maybe she is like this for the following two reasons: even though she claims she loves me, our relationship status is of "friends" even though it always has been far more than friends, so she may feel she doesn't have to; the other reason is that she only sees me as a friend and is treating me accordingly. both are pretty credible and are supported by her actions.
the other reason why her not calling bothers me is a feeling i can't seem to shake off. she could have me sticking around because i have been a benefit to her financially. i have noticed that when we talk about me helping her financially, her responses to me are always immediately... once she has determined that I will be helping her, she then withdraws communication.
last sunday (i think it was sunday), she sent me a picture of hobs' condition, telling me she is scared by the growths she is experiencing. i automatically saw this as a reminder of a promise I had made to her. i had not mentioned my helping her with Hob's procedure since early december because i did not have the money, and did not want to make issue of something that was really not an issue. I spoke to her about it, she said she was not sure if i was going to help her. i asked her had I gone back on my word on any of my support commitments and she said no. I told her then not to doubt that.
i am only venting here, and perhaps I could be wrong and am probably wrong, but based on her behavior, it does open up the thoughts, within the realm of possibility, that this could be happening. if she ever reads this, she may become upset. i pray she forgives me if she does. these are only thoughts, not accusations.
I am not sure Jae realizes how her behavior could be impacting me. I have tried, not successfully, mind you, to let her understand how her behavior could be interpreted, but she doesn't see it. She sees her perspective, and since she is acting from a very clear conscience, she cannot understand how no communication can be interpreted in so many ways and not the what she wants to communicate.
I love her, but this type of behavior, sometimes makes it hard.
i would love to be the recipient of her behavior once she gives her heart to me. i think of some of the things she tells me about Harold and I wish that was me she is talking about, minus the fact how he hurt her horribly.
I wish she gave her heart to me.
I hate it because this is what causes doubt in my mind. Why doesn't she make it a point to let me know what is going on in her life. We hung up Wednesday night around five. usually i do not hear from her until like around one. I send her a text message at eleven asking her to call me when she woke up. I had not heard from her, so like around 130 i called her only to find out she had not slept much. she said she went to sleep like around 1100 because she was not feeling well. Obviously, I was concerned about her but at the same time bothered because I did not know. we are supposed to be best friends but I feel more like an after thought than a friend at all. jae, my impression, may not necessarily get the whole communication issue at all. Maybe she is like this for the following two reasons: even though she claims she loves me, our relationship status is of "friends" even though it always has been far more than friends, so she may feel she doesn't have to; the other reason is that she only sees me as a friend and is treating me accordingly. both are pretty credible and are supported by her actions.
the other reason why her not calling bothers me is a feeling i can't seem to shake off. she could have me sticking around because i have been a benefit to her financially. i have noticed that when we talk about me helping her financially, her responses to me are always immediately... once she has determined that I will be helping her, she then withdraws communication.
last sunday (i think it was sunday), she sent me a picture of hobs' condition, telling me she is scared by the growths she is experiencing. i automatically saw this as a reminder of a promise I had made to her. i had not mentioned my helping her with Hob's procedure since early december because i did not have the money, and did not want to make issue of something that was really not an issue. I spoke to her about it, she said she was not sure if i was going to help her. i asked her had I gone back on my word on any of my support commitments and she said no. I told her then not to doubt that.
i am only venting here, and perhaps I could be wrong and am probably wrong, but based on her behavior, it does open up the thoughts, within the realm of possibility, that this could be happening. if she ever reads this, she may become upset. i pray she forgives me if she does. these are only thoughts, not accusations.
I am not sure Jae realizes how her behavior could be impacting me. I have tried, not successfully, mind you, to let her understand how her behavior could be interpreted, but she doesn't see it. She sees her perspective, and since she is acting from a very clear conscience, she cannot understand how no communication can be interpreted in so many ways and not the what she wants to communicate.
I love her, but this type of behavior, sometimes makes it hard.
i would love to be the recipient of her behavior once she gives her heart to me. i think of some of the things she tells me about Harold and I wish that was me she is talking about, minus the fact how he hurt her horribly.
I wish she gave her heart to me.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Not sure if she knows...
I am not sure Jae knows or understands the big difference between what she is going through and what I am going through.
I am here in Miami, dedicated to her, not looking for anyone, not wanting to talk to anyother women because the conversations are boring and forced and i really do not care to find out anything about them. I am emotionally obliged to her.
She is not emotionally dedicated to me. She tell s she loves me, but she is waiting to be told who she is going to be with. She doesn't worry that I am not looking at other faces, wondering if I can be with them. What I fear is that she may meet that person. Instead of it being me, it may be someone else? Is it Harold? She is still not over him. What will happen when she arrives in California? I wish she would have chosen me back on october 29? I would have helped her get over him.
I am not sure if she feels insecure about me. I do not give her a reason to doubt where I stand with her. She does a lot to cause doubt with me. Does she know this? Does she know she causes the insecurity by staying quiet and withdraw?
Does she love me? she tells me she does, but she does not demonstrate it.
The only thing I know is that I love her.
I would hate to lose her.
I am here in Miami, dedicated to her, not looking for anyone, not wanting to talk to anyother women because the conversations are boring and forced and i really do not care to find out anything about them. I am emotionally obliged to her.
She is not emotionally dedicated to me. She tell s she loves me, but she is waiting to be told who she is going to be with. She doesn't worry that I am not looking at other faces, wondering if I can be with them. What I fear is that she may meet that person. Instead of it being me, it may be someone else? Is it Harold? She is still not over him. What will happen when she arrives in California? I wish she would have chosen me back on october 29? I would have helped her get over him.
I am not sure if she feels insecure about me. I do not give her a reason to doubt where I stand with her. She does a lot to cause doubt with me. Does she know this? Does she know she causes the insecurity by staying quiet and withdraw?
Does she love me? she tells me she does, but she does not demonstrate it.
The only thing I know is that I love her.
I would hate to lose her.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
oh harold harold harold
Today was an eye revealing day. I called Jae to tell her I was going to pay for her trip. I really had thought that I was not going to, because it would work against me. I believe I even told Jae I would only pay for her trip to Austin, but not to California.
It pains me greatly that she will be returning to California. It also pains me to know that probably she and I will never be together again. I could be speaking out of turn and based on no fact. Who knows what will happen. But today I was sharing a small story with Jae. Her response is what gave me clarity.
Last night I was speaking to her. Wanted to talk to her all day. She called me like around nine my time. She told me she and her sister were going to each pizza and watch a movie. I came home. Then I thought about it. I wanted to feel i was participating in her evening, so I went to Steve's pizza and got myself a slice of pizza, just in the spirit of them.
I shared this with Jae this morning. I said to her "you probably think I am insane." She sighed. It was an interesting sigh. I asked her what that sigh was about. She took a deep breath and she shared with me her trepidation with regards to going back to Cali. To Sacramento. SPecifically, to Stockton. She shared, somewhat upset, that she truly does not want to see Harold (her ex boyfriend who dumped her out of the blue, from my understanding). She said she does not want to see him. Run into him, especially with the new girl he is dating.
She said her friend Kiki said that when Harold finds out she is back in town he is going to want to see her. She said she is not sure she wants to. Prior to today, we spoke about this about a week ago, maybe a few more days than that. Then she said seeing him would not impact her at all. She would just let the feelings run their course.
Today, it seems to consume her. She is panicking and is afraid of what she may find and what may happen.
She has been going through a lot of stuff at home, mostly due to her father's problem (won't divulge that here) but it has been trying and stressful. Listening to her, I felt i can do something. Yesterday, I told her I wanted to lay with her and hold her and protect her. I did not want anything to hurt her. I meant that. I am not sure she appreciated or maybe she quickly forgot I even said it. Today, I told her I could protect her from all the drama she is experiencing at home by sending her to Sacramento (against my best wishes). I wish she would want to come back here, but as I thought that, I realized she is meant to go back to Sacramento, but for a different reason.
She needs to go confront that situation. She needs to find closure, and being in Texas, she will never find closure.
On October 31, when she told me God had told her she and I were meant to be friends, I took that personally. I've been wondering what about me would God not approve (actually, there is a lot). But I have made such a great effort to be worthy of her. I had done some things that went against what I normally would do, and did it blindly and with a leap of faith. So far it has not paid off, but I have faith.
Today, I realized the reason why God told her she and I should only be friends. She is still stuck on him. She is still not over him. God told her that to protect me and not to keep her away from me.
She is so confused and tortured from what he did to her. She says she loves me but she is not in love with me. She is still in love with him. I was afraid that I was sending her to jump back into his arms. But what I am doing is to help her deal with that situation so she could find closure. If closure means she can close that chapter in order for her to be able to start a new one with someone else (hopefully me), then it is well worth it. If closure means she will be gong back to him, it won't be worth it for me, but closure is what I am hoping she finds.
If I do this, my conscience will be clear and I will bear no guilt. I will hate the fact that, if she returns to him, I will be an instrument to that, but again, no regrets. I have loved her with holding nothing back. 100%.
Space is what she needs, not me whining about me me me.
Harold, for right now, I will let you take the front seat.
But one thing I do know, Harold Basler...I lover her. I do not know how you loved her or how much, but I do know I DO lover her. A lot.
It pains me greatly that she will be returning to California. It also pains me to know that probably she and I will never be together again. I could be speaking out of turn and based on no fact. Who knows what will happen. But today I was sharing a small story with Jae. Her response is what gave me clarity.
Last night I was speaking to her. Wanted to talk to her all day. She called me like around nine my time. She told me she and her sister were going to each pizza and watch a movie. I came home. Then I thought about it. I wanted to feel i was participating in her evening, so I went to Steve's pizza and got myself a slice of pizza, just in the spirit of them.
I shared this with Jae this morning. I said to her "you probably think I am insane." She sighed. It was an interesting sigh. I asked her what that sigh was about. She took a deep breath and she shared with me her trepidation with regards to going back to Cali. To Sacramento. SPecifically, to Stockton. She shared, somewhat upset, that she truly does not want to see Harold (her ex boyfriend who dumped her out of the blue, from my understanding). She said she does not want to see him. Run into him, especially with the new girl he is dating.
She said her friend Kiki said that when Harold finds out she is back in town he is going to want to see her. She said she is not sure she wants to. Prior to today, we spoke about this about a week ago, maybe a few more days than that. Then she said seeing him would not impact her at all. She would just let the feelings run their course.
Today, it seems to consume her. She is panicking and is afraid of what she may find and what may happen.
She has been going through a lot of stuff at home, mostly due to her father's problem (won't divulge that here) but it has been trying and stressful. Listening to her, I felt i can do something. Yesterday, I told her I wanted to lay with her and hold her and protect her. I did not want anything to hurt her. I meant that. I am not sure she appreciated or maybe she quickly forgot I even said it. Today, I told her I could protect her from all the drama she is experiencing at home by sending her to Sacramento (against my best wishes). I wish she would want to come back here, but as I thought that, I realized she is meant to go back to Sacramento, but for a different reason.
She needs to go confront that situation. She needs to find closure, and being in Texas, she will never find closure.
On October 31, when she told me God had told her she and I were meant to be friends, I took that personally. I've been wondering what about me would God not approve (actually, there is a lot). But I have made such a great effort to be worthy of her. I had done some things that went against what I normally would do, and did it blindly and with a leap of faith. So far it has not paid off, but I have faith.
Today, I realized the reason why God told her she and I should only be friends. She is still stuck on him. She is still not over him. God told her that to protect me and not to keep her away from me.
She is so confused and tortured from what he did to her. She says she loves me but she is not in love with me. She is still in love with him. I was afraid that I was sending her to jump back into his arms. But what I am doing is to help her deal with that situation so she could find closure. If closure means she can close that chapter in order for her to be able to start a new one with someone else (hopefully me), then it is well worth it. If closure means she will be gong back to him, it won't be worth it for me, but closure is what I am hoping she finds.
If I do this, my conscience will be clear and I will bear no guilt. I will hate the fact that, if she returns to him, I will be an instrument to that, but again, no regrets. I have loved her with holding nothing back. 100%.
Space is what she needs, not me whining about me me me.
Harold, for right now, I will let you take the front seat.
But one thing I do know, Harold Basler...I lover her. I do not know how you loved her or how much, but I do know I DO lover her. A lot.
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