I hate it when this happens

I hate it when she doesn't call.  I hate it for several reasons.

I hate it because this is what causes doubt in my mind.  Why doesn't she make it a point to let me know what is going on in her life.  We hung up Wednesday night around five.  usually i do not hear from her until like around one.  I send her a text message at eleven asking her to call me when she woke up.  I had not heard from her, so like around 130 i called her only to find out she had not slept much.  she said she went to sleep like around 1100 because she was not feeling well.  Obviously, I was concerned about her but at the same time bothered because I did not know.  we are supposed to be best friends but I feel more like an after thought than a friend at all.  jae, my impression, may not necessarily get the whole communication issue at all.  Maybe she is like this for the following two reasons:  even though she claims she loves me, our relationship status is of "friends" even though it always has been far more than friends, so she may feel she doesn't have to; the other reason is that she only sees me as a friend and is treating me accordingly.  both are pretty credible and are supported by her actions.

the other reason why her not calling bothers me is a feeling i can't seem to shake off.  she could have me sticking around because i have been a benefit to her financially.  i have noticed that when we talk about me helping her financially, her responses to me are always immediately... once she has determined that I will be helping her, she then withdraws communication.

last sunday (i think it was sunday), she sent me a picture of hobs' condition, telling me she is scared by the growths she is experiencing.  i automatically saw this as a reminder of a promise I had made to her.  i had not mentioned my helping her with Hob's procedure since early december because i did not have the money, and did not want to make issue of something that was really not an issue.  I spoke to her about it, she said she was not sure if i was going to help her.  i asked her had I gone back on  my word on any of my support commitments and she said no.  I told her then not to doubt that.

i am only venting here, and perhaps I could be wrong and am probably wrong, but based on her behavior, it does open up the thoughts, within the realm of possibility, that this could be happening. if she ever reads this, she may become upset.  i pray she forgives me if she does.  these are only thoughts, not accusations.

I am not sure Jae realizes how her behavior could be impacting me.  I have tried, not successfully, mind you, to let her understand how her behavior could be interpreted, but she doesn't see it.  She sees her perspective, and since she is acting from a very clear conscience, she cannot understand how no communication can be interpreted in so many ways and not the what she wants to communicate.

I love her, but this type of behavior, sometimes makes it hard.

i would love to be the recipient of her behavior once she gives her heart to me.  i think of some of the things she tells me about Harold and I wish that was me she is talking about, minus the fact how he hurt her horribly.

I wish she gave her heart to me.