Today was an eye revealing day. I called Jae to tell her I was going to pay for her trip. I really had thought that I was not going to, because it would work against me. I believe I even told Jae I would only pay for her trip to Austin, but not to California.
It pains me greatly that she will be returning to California. It also pains me to know that probably she and I will never be together again. I could be speaking out of turn and based on no fact. Who knows what will happen. But today I was sharing a small story with Jae. Her response is what gave me clarity.
Last night I was speaking to her. Wanted to talk to her all day. She called me like around nine my time. She told me she and her sister were going to each pizza and watch a movie. I came home. Then I thought about it. I wanted to feel i was participating in her evening, so I went to Steve's pizza and got myself a slice of pizza, just in the spirit of them.
I shared this with Jae this morning. I said to her "you probably think I am insane." She sighed. It was an interesting sigh. I asked her what that sigh was about. She took a deep breath and she shared with me her trepidation with regards to going back to Cali. To Sacramento. SPecifically, to Stockton. She shared, somewhat upset, that she truly does not want to see Harold (her ex boyfriend who dumped her out of the blue, from my understanding). She said she does not want to see him. Run into him, especially with the new girl he is dating.
She said her friend Kiki said that when Harold finds out she is back in town he is going to want to see her. She said she is not sure she wants to. Prior to today, we spoke about this about a week ago, maybe a few more days than that. Then she said seeing him would not impact her at all. She would just let the feelings run their course.
Today, it seems to consume her. She is panicking and is afraid of what she may find and what may happen.
She has been going through a lot of stuff at home, mostly due to her father's problem (won't divulge that here) but it has been trying and stressful. Listening to her, I felt i can do something. Yesterday, I told her I wanted to lay with her and hold her and protect her. I did not want anything to hurt her. I meant that. I am not sure she appreciated or maybe she quickly forgot I even said it. Today, I told her I could protect her from all the drama she is experiencing at home by sending her to Sacramento (against my best wishes). I wish she would want to come back here, but as I thought that, I realized she is meant to go back to Sacramento, but for a different reason.
She needs to go confront that situation. She needs to find closure, and being in Texas, she will never find closure.
On October 31, when she told me God had told her she and I were meant to be friends, I took that personally. I've been wondering what about me would God not approve (actually, there is a lot). But I have made such a great effort to be worthy of her. I had done some things that went against what I normally would do, and did it blindly and with a leap of faith. So far it has not paid off, but I have faith.
Today, I realized the reason why God told her she and I should only be friends. She is still stuck on him. She is still not over him. God told her that to protect me and not to keep her away from me.
She is so confused and tortured from what he did to her. She says she loves me but she is not in love with me. She is still in love with him. I was afraid that I was sending her to jump back into his arms. But what I am doing is to help her deal with that situation so she could find closure. If closure means she can close that chapter in order for her to be able to start a new one with someone else (hopefully me), then it is well worth it. If closure means she will be gong back to him, it won't be worth it for me, but closure is what I am hoping she finds.
If I do this, my conscience will be clear and I will bear no guilt. I will hate the fact that, if she returns to him, I will be an instrument to that, but again, no regrets. I have loved her with holding nothing back. 100%.
Space is what she needs, not me whining about me me me.
Harold, for right now, I will let you take the front seat.
But one thing I do know, Harold Basler...I lover her. I do not know how you loved her or how much, but I do know I DO lover her. A lot.
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