Hola. Spoke to Jae this morning, but only because I called her. It was nice to hear her voice, but I wish she would have called me. I was expecting her call or a text from her all afternoon yesterday and I only got two. One very simple HAPPY NEW YEAR, and another one telling me she hopes God Blesses me in 2011. I responded to her tell her that God had already Blessed me because put her in my life. She did not respond after that. I had made a decision that I would not crowd her and I would follow her lead. If she responded, I would respond. If she did not respond, then I would not. She did not respond to my text so I let it go. Also, since it was New Year's Day, I figured she was busy. I went to sleep somewhere around 11 and woke up around 1. I called her at that time and we spoke very briefly. Everything at that time just felt good all over again. All the worries and the heart-aching pain i had felt all days just washed away.
She told me she was texting her friend Kiki and was about to text me. I just wondered why she couldn't text me at time during the day. I told her I missed her and she told me that she missed me. She said we had not spoken in a while and I agreed.
I do miss her and I miss her a lot. I think of her constantly (hence the creation of this blog) and here is where I get to put my thoughts into place, where I can vent without getting into any misunderstandings with her. Maybe one day I will let her read this. Maybe. I am not sure. But here I can just express how I feel without worry. Perhaps when I do let her read this, she may get a glimpse of what I am going through.
I think of sometimes what she may be going through. Then, also, my paranoia kicks in and wonder if maybe she found someone and is afraid to tell me. Then I pray and just ask for strength to deal with these feelings. Jae once told me that the devil walk with us all day all the time, trying to steer us from the mandates we were given. I remember those words when I get these feelings. When I pray and ask for the strength to deal with these feelings, I feel better and those feelings go away.
The funny thing is, and what Jae I believe is not aware of is that she tells me she loves me and then her actions do almost the exact opposite. I think of that sometimes and wonder why she acts this way. Sometimes I believe she is trying to protect herself, trying hard not to allow her emotions to too tangled with me. Maybe, she is just trying really hard to be faithful to what God asked her to do (or probably a combination f both). Other times, I think maybe she is going back to Harold. Maybe she and he have contacted each other and maybe they have reconciled. I think that, but then I pray and all the feelings go away. However, I brace myself for that reality (and if it's not him, that it may be someone else).
What Jae does not realize, at least I do not think she does, is that my insecurities come from the fact that she has not given her heart to me. She has in some degree, but she is still waiting to meet her husband. I have given myself to her and am not really looking. She is not really looking either, but if a man comes along whom is worthy of her, she will go with him. This is what hurts and is very painful and drives my insecurities, which I know drive her crazy, because she sometimes wonders where its coming from. When I do not hear from her for a while, it drives me crazy, but I have learned to tame these and I pray a lot for God to get me through those times.
I love her and want her in my life as my partner, my mate, my wife and my best friend. I pray that God grants me that wish, but more so, that God reveal to me who my wife will be. I do, however, have a strong feeling it's her, even though many people tell me it is not.
My rebellious side kicks in. I go against the grain. God has not told me it's not. At least not that I can tell.
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