I was up thinking this morning and I know Jae has not done really anything...but the continued nagging which happens to me keeps hurting her. I keep complaining to her how I feel, it feels like I am nagging, but I have to be honest with myself: I am hurting and I am not getting any closure. I love her and want to feel she loves me. She tells me she loves me but I do not feel she does.
I was in church about a month ago and the pastor said that it is easy to say one believes in God and one is dedicated to God, but one thing is to say it but the other is to provde it, to demonstrate it. I do not feel that from Jae. I know she has her limitations, and, according to her, her reasons for holding back some, and truth be told, she has made some significant progress, but i always feel i am left hanging. The sad thing is, my dear Jae does see that and most likely will not agree to it.
More often than not, she does not contact me until I contact her. I wake up in the morning and always send her a little blessing for her (well, not always, but up until this week I have, but it usually goes unaddressed, sometimes she responds, but usually she does not. I mean, Friday she contacted me only because I had left her a voicemail to reach out to me. She then went window shopping and shared with me a picture of an outfite she tried (was she hinting she wanted me to purchase it for her? She looked so darn good in it that i was very willing). Friday night, did not hear from her. Mind you, I left Johnie's house and texted her that I had an amazing night and Johnie's and told her when I was leaving and did not hear from her at all. I woke up and again nothing. She usually would text something. I finally sent her a text in the afternoon and she responded but made no mention of the fact I had not heard from her. In the past, she would apologize for not communicating with me. She said she had a migrane...
That night, I went out to meet Bill and Blanca and Gloria at some bar in Broward. I had not realized the street I was driving on was the same one we took when I drove her to the modeling agency. I got a little nostalgic. I remembered that day like it was yesterday. Truth be told, it was one of my favorite days with her, if not my favorite. There are so many memories, beautiful ones from that day. we spoke roughly like around six in the morning and then she told me she was going to sleep and I told her she did not have to hang up and she did not. I love it. I love the trust she gives me.
Saidly, I did not hear from her at all. I called her like around 230. We were having a nice conversation when she said she needed to call Albert's mom. She said ALbert's mom had called her several times and she had not gotten around to responding. So she chose that time to call her (i can understand from her perspective, she did not want to forget to call her). But she chose my time. And that is ok, had she called me back, which she did not. When I texted her some time later to find out if things were ok, she said thing with Albert's mom were so so. I asked if she could talk (this was all via text) and she said NOT NOW. nothing else. Trying to be respectful, I did not argue it. I then said, ok we'll talk later and she said ok. I wrapped up the communication with LOVE YOU BLESS YOU MISS YOU. She responded in kind. She had church that evening and I knew this so I decided not to bother her. I had agreed to be with Nancy that night.
I got home and texted her I was home. She texted me back. She then called me and we talked for a little bit She said she was falling asleep. I wanted to hold on to her longer, but know better to. I asked her not to hang up and she insisted on doing so (why?, when you did not the night before?). she dozed off and I heard her breathing then she woke up and told me she was hanging up. I was sad. I miss her so much. Not sure if she realizes that.
I woke up early and felt tht nagging feeling again. I was being very unfair to her because she cannot give more than she is ready for and I want more. what she gives me is not enough. Iwant her to give me more but I cannot ask her to give me what she is not ready to give. I cannot ask her to give me anything. It has to come from her.
I need to go. will write more later.
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